Fragments of Light: The Shaman

This must be the place. Tall and narrow and strange; a lighthouse far from sea.
(what is it there to guide?)
He will be waiting inside for me, on the second floor.

I am shown to a small table with chipped paintwork and a wobble.

He is not there.

I try to make myself comfortable and peer out of the small window to my right. A fluffy black cat is curled up on a chair, sleeping soundly. Beyond her are rooftops and a church spire. As I turn back toward the room I see a waiter has brought me a menu, all written out by hand in a scrawl I can just about make out. I thank him and shuffle in my seat. I must appear so edgy and tense to the others here: they dine out regularly, they are comfortable not only in their seats but in themselves.

My focus drifts to their conversations in absence of one of my own. A young man sitting with his parents complains that he is struggling to balance his studies towards what he thinks he ought to become, with the musician he feels he is. I feel a sadness inside that this is what life is, for all of us. I’m so sorry, I wanted to say to him with a hand on his shoulder, we were all lied to. Two heavily made up women with perms and huge earrings sit together sharing a bottle of wine. They never stop smiling, I notice. Big toothy grins framed with scarlet party.

Continue reading “Fragments of Light: The Shaman”

Advertisements

Fragments of Light: Commuters

image

It’s a sad thing to join an underground train full of miserable, grey strangers who sit in half light and don’t move or utter a single word to one another. That said, small talk is pretty dire too. Let’s see what we can do.

“Hi there.

Oh, you’re reading Wuthering Heights! I was haunted by the depth of emotion in that book, it really got right into my heart and soul. Like when you see something so familiar that you had forgotten about for years and it all comes flooding back? A deep-seated memory in the unconscious. A memory that is ages older than all of us, and it makes you realise how small and insignificant you are as an individual, for humanity has been experiencing that animus projection myth for thousands of years. When you get down to myth level, you begin to realise there aren’t nearly so many variations in experience as you had imagined.”

(I’m feeling vey shaky and panicked: negative in my mind. I’m preoccupied with strange things like being bored to tears as a 9 year old and feeling tortured by Whitney Houston’s ‘I will always love you’ getting airplay every 15 minutes and not being able to turn off the radio.)

Continue reading “Fragments of Light: Commuters”

Fragments of Light: A House of Sand

image

The sea lapped at my toes like a playful puppy. Strange, I thought, how friendly it seems right now. And yet really I am at the edge of a vast and deep unknown that has the potential be the most cruel, unrelenting enemy known to man.

I let a handful of sand slip through my fingers and back onto the beach. I’d never have that same handful again, and there was something liberating about realising that. I let out a deep sigh; how nice it was to put the bones at ease after days of walking.

Beside me you were resting your weary hooves; it had never occurred to me that you would be tired by the distance too. You were still in good humour though, I could see that from the glint in your eye as you suggested building a castle.

Continue reading “Fragments of Light: A House of Sand”

Fragments of Light: A Forgotten Place

image

There used to be a forgotten place where I could go to paint. The narrow, graffitied entrance was right beside a bookshop on a busy street, and led to a lift. The old gates screeched as I pulled them across, and travelling up in such a temperamental contraption in near darkness gave me the chills. At the top I would leave the gates open to prevent anyone from following, knowing fine well the only other way in or out was through the fire escape.

Up there it was like a home that had been left for nature to take. The door frames and bare floorboards were rotting, there was only natural light streaming through the tiny barred windows for all electrical fittings had been removed, and there was dust upon the dust. I would carry my bundle of sheets, my easel and my satchel of paints down the musty corridor and choose one of the rooms in which to take up residence for a few hours.

I was stuck in a melancholic depression in those days, and I somehow felt at home among the dilapidation. Being away from people and noise and brightness and commerce felt like a blessing. It took me to the oldest part of my soul, where I could directly experience my personal myth and boundless unconscious. I was free to express whatever I needed. I could throw paint around, I could meditate, I could make myself bleed, I could cry the truest of tears. I could be what I was when there was no one around, without being coloured by them. Without having their circles of influence and perception overlap with mine.

I stayed there just once overnight, with a sleeping bag and a candle-lit pumpkin in the autumn. In the unrivalled quietude I was haunted by the depth of emotion I had experienced during the day; it saturated my heart and soul. I stared into my painting and I saw in it something familiar, like a memory that had been long forgotten and suddenly come flooding back; a deep-seated memory that was ages older than me. I realised in that moment how small and insignificant I was as an individual; how humanity had been experiencing this memory beneath the surface for thousands of years.

Something indigo and covered with stars was coming through the broken ceiling. I felt ancient and wise and immaterial and filled with fear and love all at once. I felt so at home it scared me. I was removed from it all, I was free.

Nuit.

But I knew even then that I couldn’t stay in her arms, for then there would be no more paintings. I was addicted to the process, and I wasn’t ready to abandon that flow for anything.

But one day, when I’m done.

I know what awaits me in that forgotten place.

 

*****

Fragments of Light is a hand-bound, illustrated zine compiling short bursts of creative writing about magick and madness.

 

Fragments of Light: Cern

 

image

The night before He came, I had a dream about a plane crash. I was in the garden, staring up at a sigil made of stars with a crowd of people at my feet, clambering for my attention. I saw the sigil turn before anyone else. It morphed into a glider plane and began to head rapidly towards us. The impact was huge when it hit the ground, but miraculously no one was hurt: not even the pilot, who turned out to be me.

I was walking barefoot in the forest the next day: that may seem strange to you, but it was something I did regularly in those days. It was a way of connecting with nature through direct experience; a way of shutting out the world society tells us is normal and reconnecting with the soul of things. I was on the edges, considering heading home across the meadow when I noticed Him. I was startled at first of course, and not just by His antlers, but by His striking beauty and familiarity. I had seen His gaunt face and strong upper body many times during guided meditations, and I knew He had a peculiar gait, I just hadn’t acknowledged that it was due to having hooves instead of feet. He pulled me close.

Continue reading “Fragments of Light: Cern”

Fragments of Light: The Magician’s Distillery

 
I follow the magician up the narrow spiral staircase with a cautious gait: I have to keep my eyes down to make sure I don’t stand on the deep red cloak that sweeps the steps behind him. Then, when we reach our destination, I have to hold on to an iron ring attached to the wall to steady myself as he carefully selects the right mortise key from his pocket. How ancient his slender fingers appear, with their painfully long pointed nails. I don’t wonder he could pick the lock of the door we now enter with those alone.

The room is surprisingly well lit, and I have to shield my eyes at first as I adjust from the near darkness of the staircase. There is a huge red circle painted on the floor with strange markings and candles around the perimeter. But by far the most striking things here are the bottles. I am hesitant at first, but the magician glares at me with his piercing yellow eyes and I know at once that I am expected to examine them.

Continue reading “Fragments of Light: The Magician’s Distillery”